Yes. Being a father Versus Being a husband...
All of us strive for a good life, right. And how does a good life sound ? Good education. Good home. Well paying Job. Understanding life partner. KIDS....
Wait a second. Hold on to the last one. THAT one is more complex than what it looks like
It is the biggest collective decision we make after marriage. But its impact is skewed. Heavily skewed. It will not matter much to us as husbands. But it will change the world as she knows it for our spouse. And the one and only point of control we have on this one is BEFORE we decide if we should go ahead with the child or not.
Debating whether to go ahead with the child or not sounds like a funny one (I call it "The Debate"). That is because its like debating our own existence. I mean, when our parents had this debate, the outcome was - us, right. Which is what makes it difficult to debate this one objectively. If the families are involved in this debate, it only adds to the subjectivity. But still, I believe as husbands we have to conduct ourselves objectively in this debate. Not just because its important to be objective. It is also because of all the parties involved, we are the only one who will be ABLE to stay objective if we try.
The family will not be able to be objective even if they try. They run the risk of seeing this as a "natural consequence" of our marriage. They are also allured by the notion of reliving the childhood of their son | daughter in the form of grandsons | grand daughters. These are fairly strong detractors!
Our wife will also not be able to be objective even if she tries. There is this Motherhood software somewhere inside which overrules all other software. And hence, if her husband's stand looks like tilting towards going ahead, she will not give much weightage to her career and her aspirations in life. Hell, she may not even mention them!
Which is why, Gentlemen, the onus is on us to think of her career and her career aspirations ( ONUS is ON US - pun NOT intended )
Thankless job, I know. Also very difficult. By the time we reach a stage in our married life where we have "The Debate", we have already trained ourselves to refrain from thinking for our wife, right. Didn't we promise ourselves not to think for her after the last fight where she accused us of not letting her think for herself ? Yes, we did. But lets ignore this promise for once. Lets also ignore the fact that like the 99 before it, this fight 100th in its series also started with her asking us "What do you think ?". Time to ignore this promise, only and only this one time!
And now that we are in the right frame of my mind, lets take the objectivity ahead by doing a clear assessment of which way our wife's career is headed. Also which way and how strong are her career aspirations.
Especially in the Indian context, the Maternity Leave ( I call it "The Leave" ) will have the potential impact anywhere from slowing down her career by 2 - 3 years to derailing it completely. Depends on the organization, the team where she works and at what stage of her career is The Leave being taken. Yes, the 3rd National Conference on Workforce Diversity chaired by the MD himself happened just a few months back on Women's Day. However the hard truth is our organizations, especially the Pvt Ltd ones, are still far from being ready to provide this comfort to the female employees, that they can expect to resume their career right from where they left after returning from The Leave. As a husband, we have to think through all this in advance. She will not!
We also have to assess how career oriented our wife is. There is no 1 to 10 scale for this one; we will have to go by our judgement. If in doubt, I believe lets err on the side of taking her as high on career orientation instead of taking her Low.
If we err on the wrong side, I believe the scariest thing to happen will be this - even if her career takes a backseat she will never regret it. Because for her it will amount to regretting being a mother - something the Motherhood software will never allow. In fact, the frustrations she will have on the professional side will only drive her more and more towards the child. No one will see it as a concern; in fact she and everyone else around will look happy! However, if she is career oriented, the real impact of this will start to pinch only after the child is 8/10 years old, old enough to start craving for things other than Mother's attention. It will be too late by then. Too late to bring her career back where it could have been, in some cases too late to even bring it back to where it was when she took the maternity leave. And when that happens, being a dad would be already irreversible, and there is nothing we will be able to do to correct the error we made on being a husband!
Do you sense other selfish motives also in this argument that I am making. My compliments, you are absolutely correct. Do you feel my apprehension on becoming a dad stem from a fear that I will never be the first priority for my wife ever again after she becomes a mother ? You got it right. Yes, I am avoiding competition from someone who will be my own creation. Its crazy I know. Its also true! At least I am frank about it. One thing is for sure - it is not a bigger truth than what I said above! I have no data to prove but I will not be surprised if many potential dads harbor this fear, just avoid saying it coz it sounds crazy.
Lastly, just adding one more angle to it. A macro one - the country's angle. We in India already have plenty of kids right. Shouldn't we now focus on helping each other raise these kids well instead of making more of them?
PS: Thankfully, I have not had "The Debate" as yet. Hope writing this will strengthen my willpower when it happens :D
